Posted by maxineowen
I often analyze myself, why I am feeling and thinking the things that I am, and what makes me who I am. A lot of who I am stems from my early childhood and young adulthood experiences.
I find that I am very sensitive to the moods, words, body language, and facial expressions of everyone that I come into close contact with. I could be around them for less than five minutes, and draw very accurate conclusions about what kind of person they are and what they are thinking or feeling.
Unfortunately, since I am very sensitive to these things, I tend to absorb the emotions being given off by these people. If there are many strong emotions floating around in the room, I tend to get very edgy.
Perhaps this comes about because of early childhood trauma, and then early adult trauma. Maybe it is the creative part of me, the part that makes me an author. They say that creative people are usually very sensitive. I call it being close to your emotions. Maybe other things come into play.
A former boyfriend swore that I was a sensitive, but I know he didn’t mean “sensitive” in the normal sense of the word. He was more of the mystical type.
Whatever makes me the sensitive person that I am, it can often be a burden. I see what many others miss. I see beyond the veil of lies that many people live with from day to day. I see the real person that is often hidden by fake smiles and false good acts.
In public/social situations, this can be exhausting for me. I have to try to paste a smile on and pretend to be at ease, even when I am not. I am not naturally inclined to be a social person; I have to work very hard at it. I force myself to go out into the world every day and make an attempt at being a social creature.
Work is a challenge for me, but it’s not because of the physical labor or anything to do with the actual job. It is because of the social crap. I get my feelings hurt easily, mostly because I treat others the way that I would like to be treated, and am often disappointed when they do not always respond in kind.
By Friday, I am tired and ready for a break. I could happily go a couple of days without seeing anyone but my family.
I imagine that this is a small glimpse into what Aspies such as my little boy and my good friend, Rachel, feel when they go out into the world. I know that Aspies frequently come home exhausted and ready to decompress after a lot of social interaction.
It is difficult to teach my little Aspie how to face the world, when I myself do not always feel like doing so. However, I know how important it is for both of us. I will teach him what I have learned; we will learn the rest together.