Which was more Difficult to Write About, my Abuse, or my son’s Autism?
Both of the two books that I currently have published took a lot out of me emotionally and mentally. When one writes about things that have hurt, changed, or in some way formed them through a trial of fire, their very soul seems to be ripped from them. The written word is no longer just some words on a screen or on paper. Each word is experienced.
Writing My Remembrance took a lot out of me, because I had to relive each moment. As bad as the first ten chapters were, writing about the abuse our parents put us through, writing the last five chapters of that book were more terrible.
Maybe it was because the ways that my first husband tormented me were still fresh, even after twelve years of being away from him. Maybe it was because the abuse from him was centered almost entirely on me, while the abuse in my parents’ home was spread around a bit, and the older kids got the worst of it.
I am not saying that witnessing the abuse of my siblings was not difficult. It ripped me apart inside, being so young and innocent, and not knowing how to help them.
Even with all of that, I think maybe writing Cameron’s Journey was more difficult. It was a whole new world for me and for our family. None of my other children were Autistic. I was just feeling my way around the situation.
Emotionally, it took its toll on me. I had worries and concerns for Cameron’s future. I was experiencing both the joys of seeing him accomplish the most simple of things, and the sorrow of knowing how difficult those things were for him, when other children accomplished those tasks so easily.
Writing Cameron’s Journey definitely took a lot longer to write than My Remembrance. The reason is because I was writing it as we lived it. I wanted to write about our journey through this whole new world of Asperger’s Syndrome. If nothing new had happened, there was nothing new to write about.
With both books, I shed a lot of tears, prayed a lot of prayers, wiped the tears away, and continued to write. With both books, I attempted to write as honestly as possible, while still offering hope.
As the reader turns each page, he/she is drawn into the book, whether it is my first or second book. They experience the pain, sorrow, and fear that I felt in each situation. When they read My Remembrance, they also experience anger at all that we were put through. Many people have said, “How are you so normal after all that?” This question amuses me, but I know what they mean. My reply: “Only by the grace of God.”