How I Wrote About My Personal Abuse
Today I will answer the questions that many people ask me after reading My Remembrance. They say, “How did you write about your abuse? What made you able to tell others what you had been through?”
As you can imagine, it was not an easy task. I had a lot of feelings wrapped up in those memories of my childhood and first marriage.
I started the book many times. The pain always came up and overwhelmed me. I started three times; I threw my work away three times.
My sister and I talked about it many times. We agreed that we had a story to tell, one which needed to be heard.
Being abused can make one feel alone, unworthy, unlovable, and defective. The person can also feel a lack of hope, as if they are doomed to repeat the mistakes of their parents.
I wanted to offer hope. I wanted to say, “You are not destined to become your parents, not if you choose another way.” I wanted to let them know that they were not alone; someone else had been through the abuse and come out the other side.
Although I had a lot of good intentions, I had to find some healing for myself before I could write the story. This required a lot of prayer. I asked God to help me to forgive those who had hurt me in my past. I had no desire to forgive them; they didn’t deserve it. But I knew that I had to forgive them, in order for me to move on and make something better.
I spent a lot of years dealing with the past by not dealing with it. I had refused to turn and face it. Because I would not acknowledge it, it had a great power over me. I wasn’t denying that the abuse had happened; I simply didn’t want to feel any of the pain and anger that came with bringing up the memories.
I asked God to help me to forgive them, to love these people through me. I asked Him to heal me. Before long, this happened. Don’t get me wrong. I still have a lot of pain from that time, and sometimes it comes up when I least expect it. It is simply more manageable now.
When I felt more at peace, I asked God if He wanted me to write about the abuse. I said, “If you want me to write about this, fill me with the memories, but in a way that I can handle. Show me what to write and how to write it.”
Before long, a sense of peace came over me. I was able to start writing.
It was not an easy process. In order to write about the abuse, I had to go back in time, mentally, and relive those moments. I had to once again become that scared little girl who was either being abused or watching it happen. I had to become the young wife, who may have married, not for love, but to be rescued. I had to feel the lack of love from that first marriage, to go to the very depths of despair and personal doubt.
When all of that was done, I had to offer hope and faith. I had to show what I had learned, how I had been changed, and who I am today.
I did all of this so that someone out there who really needed to find some hope could find it in me and in my book. I was reaching out a caring hand and saying, “Someone is here for you. Don’t give up.”